~BeFuDdLeD~

The holiday season is upon us. I wonder if I'm the only one who dreads this time of year. Not only does my sleep schedule get off-kilter  because of this day light savings nonsense (and it is already pretty screwed, so this year should be loads of fun), but my family just plain stresses me out.

I'm the first child of five. The eldest, and all that means in every sense of what Alfred Adler taught about family constellations and birth order. But, I am also the black sheep. I was the first to leave; the first to finish college AND the only, one thus far to do so with no parental support of any kind. Now I'm about to graduate from grad school (also the first)....and....my family could seemingly care less....I sent them all a text letting them know the details of commencement (I had even told both parents in face-to-face conversations), and neither parent, or members of their respective families took note. Nothing....no response, no RSVP's...then at Thanksgiving they acted surprised that I was graduating next month when I mentioned it. Don't get me wrong, mom and dad will show up on graduation day, chests puffed out, patting me on the back, grinning ear to ear....but it's all for show....and it has nothing to do with them, and they will take all the credit.

Anyhow. New job, finally. Loving it so far, as I actually get to use my degree and knowledge. I actually get to help people and make a difference in the world. Its not providing counseling in the formal sense of the word, more like casework and counseling blended, but, minus the paperwork (writing progress notes--ICK!)....I pretty much love it. Scary thing is, I probably qualify for the services that the place I work for provides....and I have listened to clients' stories and felt like they were telling my own history...I am oscillating between feeling like I can really make a difference...and feeling like a complete fake. I am thankful though. I needed something to give me hope and financial security. I hope that this is where I am meant to be for now.

Bob and I are still together....if you can call it that really. I see him, maybe once or twice a week. Not much of a relationship really. I am finding myself caring less and less. I guess God did answer my prayers. I still care about him and love him, I'm just not in love with him. I barely see him. He's not pursuing me, and I'm all burnt out pursuing him. Doesn't matter much, as he doesn't appear to notice.

Truth be told, I kind of feel lied to. He's not who I fell in love with at all anymore. At first he was funny, and attentive, and sweet. He showed me his vulnerable side, but was still dark and mysterious, and sarcastically sexy. Now....he's just kind of a downer.... He's super negative about everything. And I don't mean negative, as in "I'm unhappy and just want someone to listen so I can get it off my chest and go back to being okay"-negative...not the way I kind of am on here, so I can get it out of my system and resume life.....no, I mean he doesn't have anything positive to say....I even tried to help him find something positive to talk about tonight (the first time seeing him in I can't remember how long)....and he almost got there...he showed me some web design he was working on for his new job...but then he started tearing it down. *sigh*

Have I meantioned that I am beginning to be terrified about meeting his kids because of the way he talks about them?? And I LOVE kids!! He rarely has anything nice to say about them....and having had little-to-no interaction with them this far, as per his request...all I can picture are dysfunctional, misbehaved, little terrors who have no discipline, manners, or boundaries base on his description of his time with them....I don't do the whole no discipline/respect thing.

My child is amazingly well-behaved. Sure, she has her moments, but, anymore, they amuse me.  I use the love and logic style of parenting which allows her to be responsible for her choices and I get to be a guiding influence instead of a ball of anger being the enforcer or a tired mess trying to be the puppeteer. Bob talks about not being able to do anything else but chase after the kids and try and keep them from "killing each other" when he has them....I just can't fathom being like that. So I am torn between wanting to meet them and be a model for him....kind of boost his parenting self-esteem and prove to him it can be done, and they will still love you, even if they don't like you all the time...and wanting to "peace out" and run for the hills.

Mostly, I feel sorry for the kids, because, for his accounts, it doesn't sound like they are getting any sense of responsibility for self or self control....I predict some very stressful teenage years are ahead for their parents....and do I really want that influence on my own kid? I would hope she'd be a good influence on them...but...why chance it?

I don't know. The more I think about a future with him...the less I see him in my future...(hell, it's not like I see him much now anyhow, and we're only 4 months into the relationship)....I think I might just like him as a friend or "F" buddy....he just isn't...he isn't reliable...and everything in this relationship is still all on his time...when he wants to/has energy/has nothing else to do.....I doubt he will even remember my birthday, as he has yet to show any capability of forethought or planning. I am getting really, really close to walking away...without saying goodbye.

And I hate that he is making a liar out of me. Part of me is really starting to hate him a little....or at least resent him a bit. I am trying so hard not to be the person I have been in relationships in the past...the one who walks away when it gets rough....I have told him....promised him... I'm not going anywhere....and I want to be with him....but he's not who I fell in love with...I don't love the man he is right now...this depressed, pathetic, shell...and he's not doing anything I can see to make his situation better....instead he has become more bitter...and hateful....just plain mean in the comments he makes sometimes....

I just don't know what to do. I want to be there for him. He doesn't seem to want me, or won't let me be....

I'm not going to put my life on hold. If I find someone who is better for me....I just might take that chance....and I don't think Bob will even care....or notice...sadly.