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Thursday, November 8, 2012

"Real loss... only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself." Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

So, I am back. Again.

Funny how I just told my T this week that I haven't been writing...haven't really felt the need...or motivation...or passion...I don't write when things are going okay....I guess it's the artist in me. Great writing...not that mine will ever be considered great...but it's hard to enjoy art: writing, music, painting...if it isn't fueled by passion...and my passion comes from pain...So I guess, pain is a blessing...???

"When you're happy you enjoy the music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics."-Frank Ocean

I'm...conflicted and hurting....I cried myself to sleep last night....shortly after I prayed. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

I prayed that God either let me stop loving Bob....or allow Bob to understand that he's not treating me right and change his heart. And as much as I would love to have faith that God was listening....and will allow me what I really want: Bob to stop treating me as an option...stop putting me on the back burner...Stop taking for granted that I'm not going anywhere (he has an admitted habit of self-sabotage)..and to treat me the way I deserve (yea, I said it! I deserve to be treated as if I matter)....I have a feeling that as per usual with my requests to The Big Guy, I will remain unheard....my prayers unanswered....and as with every father figure....and hell... every man that has ever been in my life, period...I will remain insignificant, unimportant....and a foot note.

But I want to have faith....I want to believe that I am worth it....that Bob will get it...go back to being the man I fell in love with. The man who wanted to be here...and I knew it because he was. He was here, without excuse. He made plans, on his own, without reminder, to spend time with me. He made time. He had his priorities right, and I was close to the top...He did what he had to do to be here...and it felt amazing. I felt important. 

I want to have faith...I want to be patient. I have a history of walking away....pushing people away....because if you never let anyone in, there are no expectations....no chance of getting hurt...no disappointments. But I don't want to do that with Bob. I want to be better for him....and I have never been with anyone that made me want that. I haven't cut in almost 10 weeks....although it's not for him....it's because I want to be better because of him....at least the him that I fell so head-over-heels in love with....THAT him....the attentive man who paid attention to detail...enjoyed learning about me...allowed me to learn about him...shared his darkest secrets...was vulnerable (how is it that men still don't understand that being honestly and genuinely vulnerable with a women is sexier than the best sex or most passionate kiss?) with me.

I constantly I'm in a double bind in this relationship. If I walk away, tell him I'm not happy, tell him how I feel....he goes into victim mode (low self esteem issues I know all too much about, first hand and personally): "I'm not worth her time" "She deserves better." "I just need to let her go, I want her to be happy, and I can't make her happy."....and then I hurt for being selfish...for being demanding...for being unhappy....I am the bad guy.....Mind you, he's never actually told me I'm being selfish, am too much work, am demanding, but the subtext of his victim/martyr mode tells me these things....push my defensive button of beating myself up....And if I say nothing...I remain unhappy, but I have him....when it's convenient....for him....

And I feel alone....and more insignificant than if I was not in a relationship. Like being in a room full of people, and yet none of them look at you...talk to you...or acknowledge your existence.....and even though it hasn't quite become that extreme with him....I often wonder if I stop making it easy for him, if anything would change for the better: If I stopped asking to skype...asking when I can see him....texting him....if I matched the effort he's putting in...stopped making him a priority in my life...what would become of us?

What is really concerning is that I have been thinking about doing the most out-of-character, hurtful things. Like saying things, that may be true, but would push all of his buttons at once....or cheating on him with my ex..because if I'm going to feel insignificant, I may as well get good sex out of it....and the fact that if I called my ex...he'd actually drop everything to be here for me....sex or no....But that's not who I want to be. I don't want to self-destruct. I don't want to hurt Bob. I love him. But I'm hurting...he's hurting me....and I want him to feel it too....maybe then he would try...would fix it....but that's unrealistic....that only happens in soap operas and teen melodramas. 

And so begins another extensive stretch that I won't be able to see him. Last time was ten days....and it wasn't that we couldn't have seen each other....it was that he didn't make time to come to me...and I had my child...making going to him impossible.

This weekend he's going out of town, so I won't even get to see him for the hour during Sunday service....and then he has his kids until next Thursday. I haven't seen him in two...and not because he had his children, but because he didn't care enough to make the time. He goofed off, didn't do what he needed to do, didn't think ahead, and so his excuses appeared to be reasonable and valid at first glance: "I have homework" "I need to do x, y, and z" "I'm tired" (uh..yeah! you wouldn't be if you didn't dick around on the computer until 1am doing nothing productive, duh!), but then I notice the amount of time throughout the day that he plays games online...or takes the time to find something funny to post on Facebook...and I realize that his excuses...his lack of doing what he needs to do thing...manage his time wisely....is just another validation of how low on his list I am....

.... And so.....I'm beginning to realize that if he wanted to be with me....he would be here....with me.
And yet, I keep hoping that he will surprise me....even with the smallest of gestures....and be reliable...and consistent....and I think that's what hurting me the most....the hope...and then the fall: getting disappointed.

So I will continue to pray, unheard prayers....and cry myself to sleep.

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