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Sunday, March 3, 2013

Never ending

So I had to take a break from the blog-o-sphere...so much going on. New job, graduation, relationship....and the tilt-o-whirl that are my emotions...it was just too much to focus on.

I'm still working. I really, really love my job. I'm officially, official now....no probation, although, considering I live in an "at will employer" state, probationary periods are a bit redundant. I have benefits now: health, Rx, vision, dental...yippee.  With my hefty student loan debt, I can't afford to use them. Anyhow. My job keeps me busy. I still struggle with feeling like a hypocrite. I go into work everyday, to help people work towards mental wellness...and I am barely able to look myself in the mirror....I struggle each day just to get through the day without acting on my urges to self-destruct. For a minute, I thought I was doing better, but that was too much to hope for, and my urges to cut and impulses to do things...things that the rational part of me knows are just stupid...hit me daily like waves at high tide.

There is this new parking garage downtown. Some guys at work were talking about how people keep jumping off of it, killing themselves. It's about nine stories high. Yep, that will do it. Ever since I heard about this place, I have this deep seeded desire to drive to the top. Just to look. Just to see. Maybe hoping to scare myself...hoping that I am still scared to die...but knowing that if I ever allowed myself to let it go that far...I wouldn't be.

My boss has nicknamed my "Murphy" because "if it can go wrong, it will." So far, I've had a psychotic client burn her house down, locked myself out of my car twice (only once with a client), had my door freeze open, had my car act possessed in the presence of an agoraphobe, had one client disappear, one go to prison, and two end up in substance abuse facilities....She doesn't believe me that this is my life...that's the way my life has always been...that I just have bad luck. I feel like a toxic plague. My darkness spreading, tendril reaching out into the lives around me, turning everything they touch.

Still dating Bob. We have had our ups and downs. I found out mid-January that I was pregnant. I was super excited for the whole 2 weeks it took my body to reject the pregnancy. For those of you playing the home game, that's 2/2 in a little over two years. I'm still struggling with the lose. I may never have another child...especially if I stay with Bob, who after this whole experience has changed his "I might like to have another kid someday" to "I really don't want anymore." Needless to say I'm devastated. To stay with him means I have to give up the one thing in my life that I want: another child; a sibling for my daughter. I will never feel a life growing inside me. Never experience the pain of child birth and have it all be worth it to hold that precious bundle for the first time. Never have the joy of watching first's again. Never again. Not sure if I can have another child...but if I stay with him...it is certain.

I've been having weird dreams again. In all of them I lose my daughter...fail to keep her safe...I wake up sobbing and shaking. I feel like such a failure; a phony. My body betrays me, taking away my womanhood, my sleep, my ability to be a mother, and my sanity.

My father bought my daughter and I plane tickets to go on vacation with him and the steps this summer. Was looking forward to it, before the miscarriage...at least then I'd have an excuse to be a beached whale. No so much anymore. Thinking about it makes me nauseous. Not to mention that both of my step-sister's boyfriends got invited...so I will be stuck, watching the kids while they go out and enjoy adult time. Maybe I'll drown.

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