Hard to walk with broken legs

I'm still not sure what the T wants me to write. In our session Monday she asked if I deserve to be happy. That questions has been bouncing around in my head/heart, ever since. I know, rationally, that of course I do deserve to be happy....that I can't come up with an action or event in my life that would make me unworthy of being happy....but it's still hard to accept. My internal dialogue tears that question apart: If you were worthy why did 'it all' happen? Why is your life so difficult? Why...why...why?

I guess it feels as though I'm being punished...since....since I was little....for something. I can't believe in a higher power....who would allow such things to happen....to continue to let such things happen....over and over....and maybe I wasn't meant to survive....surely no one with this history....this pain.... is meant to live with it...

The therapist tells me I'm strong; I'm a survivor....and to be honest, I would feel much more successful in surviving and beating a terminal illness...some physical cancer, than how I feel grasping at straws, struggling.....to hold on to...what? What am I holding on to/for? At least if the illness were physical there would be an end....a halt....a period of remission...a time when the fight was over...It would end me or I would defeat it....but that's not how my reality....my life....my story....goes.

Over and over, time and time again...I crawl...broken...bruised...up one mountain...out of the darkness...hoping to find sanctuary...my Shangri-La at the peak...something to make the fight...the battle...the war... worth it...only to find an massif blocking out sun. I only just climb to my feet before I'm crawling again. I feel as though, each time...I lose a part of myself....piece by piece, trial by trial....my skin is worn away....shredded...and I am....broken.

I guess...whether or not I am deserving of happiness...doesn't seem to be...doesn't feel like it's in my control. I treat myself the way I was taught. How I think of myself is a reflection of that. And even in my moments of strength...where I just think, "Fuck it, I'm not going to let it get me down...I'm going to make this work..." I'm still alone. And eventually the loneliness gets me. Because....who wants to win a battle...who wants to beat a cancer...when there is no one to share your life with?