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Thursday, October 11, 2012

“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” ― Maya Angelou

As part of my therapy I am supposed to journal; when I'm struggling with emotions....when my head is filled with nonsense, darkness, and all things that haunt and hurt, my therapist has requested that I write them down...I'm not sure that she quite understands the battle in my heart and head....the moments when I am not struggling would be easier to document...the brief silence between battles...intermission, if you will. But to take time and document them would ruin the interlude. I really have no clue what she's expecting. What she wants me to write...

How am I feeling? Tired...insignificant...useless...unwanted...alone...empty...sad...hurt...betrayed....angry....an endless list of adjective....meaningless without context.....and with context....still meaningless...because I am unimportant...invisible....

Maybe I should just tell you what's going on in my life...

I have stopped going to church group. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks. I felt like a square peg in a world with only round doors...trapped. I didn't fit in. That last week that I went, I got there early, as per usual....picked my seat carefully...in a corner where I could see everyone and the exit was easily accessible...and waited. Others started arriving and made small talk. I was friendly, smiling, trying to participate...but as soon as enough others arrived, I was shut out...ignored...left sitting alone. The only reason anyone eventually sat next to me was when there was no other option. Complete blow to my self-esteem. Trying something new. Trying to reach out....make new connections....trying to find some place that I fit in...and as usual....I find nothing for me....no place where I fit.....square peg in a circle world.

My relationship with Bob is strained....has been for sometime. And I should mention, bloggerland, that I did tell him about this blog....and I think he reads it though I am not sure. I am afraid to ask, I guess. So, going into...all that is strained....I have been quite reserved about it. Afraid that hashing out my inner most thoughts....admitting....putting them into words...will hurt him...hurt us....end us....and that's the last thing I want. It would crush me. And, I don't know that I would be able to deal with that and everything else. But....I am supposed to write it down...so...I will try....and maybe he won't read it...or maybe he will and get it....I don't know....I care...I don't want him to think badly of me....I was stupid to share this place with him....this place that knows my insecurities...my darkest thoughts....deepest hurts....its a wonder he hasn't pushed me away sooner.

I have never felt important. I have never felt like I matter...never felt accepted, loved, wanted....needed...to anyone....no, that's wrong. I take that back. There was one person who loved me. My grandmother. Even when I finally told her about my self injury....only a few years before she died....she didn't say anything, only held me and told me that things would get better. She had hope....she had strength....enough for both of us....and I trusted her...with all my heart...life and being. She didn't judge me...never....never once showed judgement, unkindness....only encouragement, love, kindness...she believed in me. I was important to her. And I feel like a failure. If she could see me now...I don't even want to think about it. Would she think so much of me? I fear she would not.

Other than her....I have not felt like my life meant anything to anyone. I have tried to find happiness with in myself. Do all the things "they"...the world, society, my parents, friends, family....everything "they" say will lead to a happy, successful, meaningful existence: work hard, be kind, care for others, treat them well, judge not, go to school, fall in love....and yet, here I am....an unhappy failure.

I have tried to love....let others in...so many, many times. And I have loved....hard, with all my heart....pure, kind, non-judgmental love. Accepting of so many flaw, loving the flaws the most in the end....and I am never enough...I am never "the one"....I have never been loved in kind...I know life isn't a fairytale....Hell, I know life isn't rose colored....isn't kind....it's fair....life sucks. But, I don't want it to. I want to find love. I want to be loved. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don't love myself....don't see much worth loving. Despite my best efforts, my life....is a disappointment.

I want someone to see me as someone worth loving. My whole life....even how I see myself has been shaped by what others think...so much so that I don't know where their voices end and mine begins....do I even have a voice of my own?...did I ever?....or has my past devoured it? I don't remember ever thinking something about myself that wasn't influenced by what others thought....said....showed me....

After my daughter's father....I put my heart on lock down. Built walls....didn't let anyone in. Wouldn't. Threw away the key...burnt the map...focus on doing it alone....doing it all alone. Working towards my goal: undergraduate degree, despite being told I wouldn't be able to....then to grad school...I've spent much of the past six years unemployed trying to make it through school and raise my child...rarely asking for help....feeling ashamed when i had to....and thouroughly shamed by my family when I have asked.....always a tally kept....a record of my failures that they use to shame me...use my guilt against me....

...and then along came Bob. Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Life. Kindness. Acceptance of my secrets. And I resisted. I wanted to run, shut him out, scare him away, but I didn't. Remember thinking...that I'd come to a crossroad. That I had a conscious choice to make: to escape or give in and take a chance on being hurt, disappointed. And I chose the later. I chose him.

I chose to take a chance on love....allow him to love me....allow myself to love him, to get attached....to want a future...a future with him in it. Allowed myself to hope....hope for happiness...hope for security....love....hope for things to change...for the pain and pressure to ease...for everything I've been through to be worth it in the end....And that thought... that HOPE......it terrifies me to my core...I am not worth loving...I don't deserve it...but I gave into that little, tiny....voice...the faintest voice inside my head...and heart....I let him in....

He pursued me so hard in the beginning. There was rarely a day when he didn't reach out. Tell me he was thinking of me, he was even the first to admit the "L" word....I felt his love...his pride in loving me and being loved by me....We shared secrets. I felt vulnerable, but it felt right....I was getting what I gave....he was an open book...said what he was feeling....sharing with me....and then he stopped. Stopped sharing, stopped pursuing, stopped reaching out....he just stopped.

....and some part of me feels betrayed....and angry..... I feel exposed....vulnerable....and I want it to stop. ....hurt.... angry at him....but mostly at myself for being so stupid. For letting myself fall for him. Every survival instinct...every cell of my body is screaming to shut down, turn it off....run away...forget him, write him off. But that's not what my heart wants. I want to love and be loved. and still my head rages on....I'm stupid for taking a chance....taking a risk....walking into it....I did this to myself...I deserve the misery...I made my bed....so stupid....who was i kidding....who could love me....I'm broken...insignificant....bad...dark....evil....I am not worthy of love....but why? why do I not get to be loved? why are all the good things in my life fleeting?

Things with he an I....I don't know....they're just....complicated...I don't know if this is how its supposed to be....I just feel so much distance between us....I don't like it....it makes me sad...I finally told him that I do want a future with him in it....and he seemed relieved....and for about a day, I felt close to him. We talked. We laughed. We enjoyed each others company. I felt like he want to be there. And I haven't really felt that since. I'm still the one trying to be with him....and I'm not feeling like there's much come back to me....He doesn't make plans to see me...he doesn't call....doesn't say hi or leave a message on FB, though I know he's on there most of the day playing games.... I feel like he's ashamed of me....lord knows I deserve that...but that doesn't make it hurt any less....It all makes me feel like the crazy stalker girlfriend.....but if I don't make contact...he won't...we'll drift apart.....and he'll just assume I'm pushing him away....and that will be the end of us....I don't know what to do....damned if I do...damned if I don't....kind of an over-arching theme of my life....

Makes me think of my child. The best thing I have ever done....I would die for her. I would kill for her...she deserves a chance....she deserves the world. She deserves better. And I have tried...am trying to make myself better for her.....but I don't feel as though I am succeeding. I am so afraid that what is wrong with me will bleed into her....that her life...will end up just like mine.

I have been pulling away from her lately....emotionally at least. I tell her she is smart, that she is beautiful...that I love her...I tell her everyday.....I hold her...I take care of her....make sure she always has what she needs, and even a little of what she wants...teach her right and wrong....I make sure she can't see my pain...and.... I can't feel the love for her anymore. I know that I do....more than anything else in this world I love my daughter....but I'm afraid to feel it; Afraid that if I do she will be taken away from me. That I will lose her. Everything I have ever truly and deeply loved has been lost....

God....who ever is in charge...whatever that force is that shapes the universe....keeps things in balance...continues existence....I am afraid, it would take her...the best thing I have ever done....would take her out of my life...I certainly don't deserve her. She is perfect. She is smart and kind and beautiful inside and out....so innocent....everything I should have been given the chance to be. And I'm so afraid I'll ruin it for her....so afraid I'll ruin her....just like my mother....father...God....step parents....their family....did to me....




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