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Friday, October 12, 2012

"You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Another therapy session today. For those of you playing the home game, that's three this week. Feeling particularly volatile at the moment. Fairly sure my therapist is terrified....welcome to my world....now try taking those feelings of fear for/of someone else and feeling them about yourself. Quite the paradox.

I'm such a mess right now. I don't know how to put into words quite what I am feeling. I tried to reach out to Bob....let him in....let him know just how deeply I am hurting right now....and I screwed it up. I said some things that I knew were hurtful...no matter how true....they shouldn't have been said. I tried all day to reach out to him....without telling him directly that I needed him....needed a shoulder to cry on....someone to tell me everything will be okay...and he ignored it....instead asked why I was upset with him. When we finally spoke directly about why I was so "upset"....it all came spilling out... the anger at him ignoring my needs....when I have been there for him....but it wasn't just anger at him...it was anger at everyone that has done that to me....which....is everyone....every person I have ever tried to trust...tried to rely on....tried to be close to....I am there for them....and when I need someone....they aren't there....except one....but we've gone there already...

And instead of listening...he got defensive....belittled me...basically scolded me for being passive-aggressive.....called me a child....and when I'm being direct, telling him what I need...what I expect...what I want...I'm selfish...he belittles me...makes me feel as if I'm not deserving of getting my needs met. I snapped. Broke down. Let it all out.

I told him how I'm feeling. What I have been struggling with...what the voices in my head tell me daily...what I keep hidden from most....from all....even from my best friend...

It is getting harder to see any way out...or that things will ever be better....I'm already down....why does the world continue to kick me?....

I want it all to stop. I'm tired....tired of hurting and being hurt....and that part of me that is fighting back....is losing....and I'm scared....and hurting more than I thought possible....and I just want it to stop. I don't know how else to take control....don't know what else I can do....to make things better.

I haven't self-harmed in a long time. I can't remember when last...I've been to scared to....afraid to get carried away....it used to work so well...but now it's tied to disappointing....Bob....and I don't want to disappoint him....I want to be better for him....but I'm not. I'm not good for him at all. All I have done is make him miserable.....made him hate me....resent me....I'm no good for anyone....

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