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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"Narcotics cannot still the tooth that nibbles the soul"--Emily Dickinson

I about completely lost it at work yesterday. All it took was one of those brats sucker punching me in the eye and he about got launched. My anger boiled over and I had to take a smoke break. Why am I so angry?....well, apart from getting smacked around by a four year old brat....of course...normally that wouldn't have hit such a nerve....

My own child has been going through what I hope is a phase. I really don't know what to do about it. She has been having thirty minute to an hour melt down....not a tantrum, mind you, just sobbing...after I drop her off at the sitter's (my cousin's). Then she proceeds to whine all day on top of playing dumb when asked to do simple tasks--like put toys away. This coming from the kid who has been reading since she was three. My cousin mentioned this "problem" yesterday. Wanted to know how to deal with it....I told her I haven't the faintest idea...she does this at home too.

The other day, we went grocery shopping. I had my arms full, but managed to get her door open and asked her to unbuckle. She had a melt down.....this from the child who days before excitedly unbuckled and bounced all over the back seat mid-highway because she saw a hot air balloon. Suddenly she was sobbing, "I can't" in a whine that sends shivers down my spine like fingernails down a chalkboard. I don't get it...*sigh*

I don't coddle her. I talk to her like she's just a little person...don't get me wrong, I love to cuddle, but she's never been a cuddler. Since she could crawl she's never been afraid to wander off and explore on her own. I always thought this was a good thing...that I had raised a confident, secure little kiddo. Now...it's like she's going backwards....and it worries me.

I feel better since my bic dis assembly expedition. I haven't had the urge to harm myself. I am, however, noticing symptoms of depression...which worries me.

I haven't been depressed since my daughter was born. I was on about 10 different med's for a couple of years before I had her trying to find an anti-depressant/mood stabilizer/anti-anxiety mix that didn't make me crazier than I felt. My symptoms were terrible back then....and the side effects were worse. I hurt myself daily. I wanted to die. I wanted to be numb. I wanted to sleep forever.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this post. Depression is a serious illness that affects adolescents just like it does adults and unfortunately goes untreated or misunderstood way too often. It’s not something that you can just “snap out of”. There are various types of treatments for adolescent depression. I have found Silver Hill Hospital’s website to be very informative. I hope you feel better soon.

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