Meaning?

Just woke up from a brief flash type dream. Almost makes me want to go back to it. I haven't thought about these people in ages....especially not him.....

In it, I had arrived at a house to pick up a girl friend from high school (K) with another old girl friends from school (E), and my boyfriend from high school (M). We were at a house where K was living with one of my former friends (T).

K was my best friend IRL, until high school happened....I haven't heard from or seen her since graduation. E is now in the army, and wasn't really friends with my other friends....as in they never hung out....she always said they were immature, which, I'll admit they were. T was an on again off again friend. She was very immature. She was your friend when it was in her best interest, but would stab you in the back....also, when it was in her best interest. She was in love with M....and in the end, when M and I broke up, he dated her for a few years, which completely broke my heart.

M was the first love of my life. We began our cat and mouse flirtations in 5th grade. He was really smart...like, scary smart. He was crass, boisterous, and honest to a fault. He was a little dark as well. Kind of mean, to be honest. He was a bully, but not one of the popular guys. I think that was the biggest attraction, even at the ripe age of 11. We were "boyfriend/girlfriend" throughout middle school and until about halfway through high school. The longer we were together the more possessive he became, which didn't bother me.

I experienced all my firsts with him....well....no....not technically...but my consensual firsts anyway. He knew me. Knew my dark side....he knew about my abuse when I was little, and was the first to know about my cutting...and, though it scared him, he didn't shun me for it. His possessiveness became abuse, as it usually does, but that, too, was okay with me. At the time it seemed like a fair exchange for protection and love. I knew that he wouldn't allow anyone else to hurt me as long as I was his.

Back to the dream..... he and I were waiting on he porch waiting for E to get K. He was sitting on the porch swing and I was awkwardly standing next to the swing, looking in the window. There were no words, just his smile...a combination of darkness and lust. T came out and started flirting.....I rolled my eyes and turned away from them. And he reached out and grabbed me, pulled me in to his lap and held me. In the dream my anxiety and tension melted away. I relaxed...floating in the feeling

...and then I woke up..... startled, gasping, heart pounding.....

What does it mean? Can it be that I still love him??...I haven't thought about him with anything but detest since high school....I guess I had forgotten what it felt like in those moments with him...Do I miss that comfort that he gave me?....knowing that both protection and punishment came from the same hand? Knowing that I was his? That he would never let anyone else hurt me? Knowing that I wasn't alone? That I had found a soul as damaged as mine?.....

I miss him....and I know that is all wrong....morbid....unhealthy..... it's been so many years...he's married now....she looks surprisingly like my doppelganger.....tiny little stick of a blond. I wonder if he ever thinks of me?

I'm so lonely. Every relationship I have ever been in after M has felt wrong. Like the guys were too good for me. Their lives consisted of parents still happily married, church on Sundays, and family dinners. I have never quite felt the same about another guy as I did for him....still haven't.

What's wrong with me???