Socialization

Today was......awkward....

We had our staff appreciation.....thing. I showed up early, first mistake of the day.

The minute I entered the parking lot my heart was racing. Why couldn' t I have come down with some sort of 24 hour bug today?

I sent a text to my boss asking if she was here yet and popped a Flexaril. When she got there we wandered through the masses trying to find the rest of the girls who work at our site. My skin crawled as I tried to become invisible; pasting on a "take one for the team" smile. There were just too many people....

I'm good at my job. I even have a sort of advocate at the central office trying to get my position extended past August. I really enjoy what I do.....I'm the go-to person. If it needs to get done, I do it. I cover classrooms so the teachers can get their much deserved breaks, take payments, call parents, correct files that have been audited....I even allow me to be me a little bit....especially with the little ones. They appreciate my awkwardness....

The adults....they are another matter. I feel like I have to be...not me.... I am who they need me to be. A sympathetic ear to the stressed single parent....a sidekick to my boss....relief for the exhausted teacher....comic relief to anyone whose had a bad day....

I think that's what stresses me out about crowds. Who am I supposed to be? There are just too many. I took my ipod, unplugging it only long enough to join a renegade game of volleyball, until the number of players grew and it looked certain that someone was going to leave either bloody or broken...more people wandered to watch....too many eyes......exit stage left.....

stick the earbuds back in....drown out the drone of the the crowd...space in, space out...letting my mind wander and focus at random....watching non-verbal dances....communication between the words.....I smiled at those who managed to catch my wandering stares.... mostly just observed. I wasn't the only one who was out of sorts with the crowd....but I was one of the few.

One co-worker asked if I was a loner....I wasn't sure how to respond at first....me?? a loner?? The girl who use to get on stage and dazzle the world with her vocals??? The girl who was once the life of the party?? The first on the dance floor, last off the field....where did she go??

"I don't do social situations well" was all I could say.