.....pathetic......

Took the day off today. We'll call it a mental health day....but I'm not so sure it helped....I just needed a little more healing time, really....

I went to class tonight. We had a midterm.....easy.....

Found out that I aced my midterm last week. Surprised by that as I have not read the book, nor did I study....its so strange to me that while the rest of me--my self esteem, self image, emotional well-being---is going down the tube, my academic life isn't....and it's not like I try.

That's the way it has always been though....I shouldn't be surprised....back in college "part one"....I was completely and totally suicidal and my GPA was as good as it had ever been....all I did was show up...take the tests....write the papers hours before they were due....and my grades never faltered....weird....

Felt a bit nostalgic tonight. Trying to remember a time where I didn't feel completely alone....didn't feel like I had the weight of the world on my chest crushing me.....ironically....I was in therapy....at college "part one"....through their psych services. I had a really great counselor. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I could tell all without judgement, but rather with genuine acceptance and understanding.

So...I found him on FB....and said hi and thanked him. I didn't let on that I'm circling the drain once again....compared to back then, when he knew me, my life is much more normal....I'm not out drinking every night...I'm not doing every drug in sight....I'm not looking for love in all the wrong places...on the outside, things have changed so much....but inside....I'm still f*!$ed up..

I wanted so bad to reach out to him. Ask if he could recommend someone. Let him know that I needed help again. Instead, I bragged on the fact that I am in grad school....going into counseling...

Sitting here, I could almost cry....am about to cry.....but I must not....my child is still awake...I don't want to worry her....I cannot do that to her....

I am about to implode....I need to relieve the pressure....I need....I've given up with trying to resist....it serves its purpose....

I miss being understood....I miss trusting someone.....