Why do I have such a hard time letting people in?
Would it be so terrible if they knew me....the real me?
Would they judge?
Would they care?
Tonight I had class...and as usual...triggering.
It was a practice exercise for Narrative therapy. We had to pair up and "discuss" a problem. I couldn't make myself open up. I made up something about being anxious at my new job. Faked a smile as my partner tried to relate, all the while my insides were screaming, "Run! Hide! Don't you dare! They cannot know anything!!" While other parts of me were quietly pleading, "This is it....just ask for help....let something slip....you know you need to let someone in.....it's lonely in here."
I'm terrified to let anyone know what I deal with on a daily basis. The internal chaos. My self-worth fleeting....the "feeling" and "rational" in constant battle.
Somehow suicide came up in the "smoker's group" on break....if they only knew how my whole body screamed inside when this topic was brought up. I have come so close......I have been suicidal....was suicidal for many years. I'm not now, but I'm not a far cry from being there again. I like to be wanted...needed...but I allow myself to be used...which reinforces all the negative thoughts about myself...others using me...tells me that I'm disposable....only as good as I'm needed.....
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Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
A few years ago I was diagnosed with a crippling PAINFUL chronic illness. I felt like my body was on fire from the inside-out. All I wanted was relief. I just wanted the pain to stop. I took all kinds of meds, but the pain never left. I remember thinking, "if I were in heaven, I wouldnt be in pain anymore". I never planned suicide but I couldnt stop thinking about escaping pain. I finally was brave enough to confide in my husband who is a pharmacist. He immediately called my doctor and got me help for my depression and pain. I cant tell you how FREEING it was to tell someone else about those thoughts of dying. Once my husband knew, those thoughts came less and less, because I wasnt carrying the burden alone.
As always, Im asking God to make Himself known to you. Praying for you--REALLY, I am.
love,
Carrie
I rememeber feeling like this...just want you to know...it does get better. I don't even know how it did...but it did. In your corner. Sarah
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing today?
ReplyDelete