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Saturday, April 10, 2010

So there's this one guy....

I feel so retarded about what I'm about to admit...please don't laugh.

So, a few months ago, I started e-mailing/facebooking this guy I met on a dating site. We seem really compatible. He was/is a band geek...played professionally for a few years...I was completely devoted to music for most of my public school education: took classical vocal lessons for years, did musicals, choirs, competitions, learned the french horn freshman year....music was my life's joy.

Now, this guy is in medical school, so we are able to bond over the stresses of school and achieving our dreams in helping others. We met a few months ago and he was great. I was a complete nervous mess, of course, but we talked for a couple hours straight...

Since then, we have both been pretty busy with school, but we still chit-chat via Internet. And I'm thinking to myself...he's way too perfect...he's sweet, and makes me smile...I really would like to see if there is something there, but I have no clue if he's thinking the same, so I always stop myself...I always chicken out.

I don't feel like I deserve someone like him: he is kind, career minded, wants kids, has his shit together and isn't carrying around his weight in baggage. He's the opposite of every guy I have ever been attracted to....not to mention I feel like a damn fool for crushing on someone I have only met once....He's just always in the back of my mind...He's the type of guy I imagined myself with "when I grew up"....and as hard as I try to push those thoughts away and keep myself from getting my hopes up and ending up hurt.....he's still in my thoughts.

Deep down I know I do deserve happiness. I deserve to be with someone who is great...I deserve to be with a guy who wants things in life and isn't afraid to go for them....or maybe I don't. I don't know. I have pounced on the self-destruct button in relationships in the past with really great guys....maybe being alone is my punishment for hurting men in the past?

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