I'm hoping that this post doesn't offend anyone. I have been debating writing it for a couple of days now...
I keep having people tell me that God and forgiveness are the answers to my problems. This frustrates me terribly. It doesn't make me angry....just terrribly frustrated and sad.
I am not a religious person....don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete heretic or anything...I'm just more spiritual than formal about my beliefs. I believe that there are unseen forces in the universe that try to balance the good and bad....I believe in karma...which sometimes is my saving grace....because...forgiving is easy....it's forgetting that keeps knocking me down.
I have forgiven those that have hurt me....even my father. I know I post on here about still hurting because of him...but I haven't cut him out of my life. I have accepted that he is the way he is....and I love him to a fault despite the things he has put me through...But I can't forget...don't get me wrong. I would love to forget the feeling of ciggarettes burning my feet, or what it was like to try to sleep on the floor after getting hit with a belt.....I wish I could forget the shame and pain of being molested....raped....I have prayed for it....and...still....I can't forget.....my dreams/nightmares won't let me....
And then there are the flashbacks.......I have come a long way with them....I have learned to feint quite a bit of normalcy afterwards...I don't dissolve into a puddle....or panic attack post-flashback...I have been having them quite a bit more since starting school. A friend in class the other day asked if I was okay..."You looked like you were completely gone there for a minute," they said. I wasn't alright. I came out of that one...heart racing, palms sweating...I blinked a few times, tried to slow my breathing, "yeah, just spaced out. Soooo tired, work kicked my ass today," I replied. I had been in the middle of a flashback: Oct. 31, 2003...the delta chi Halloween party...
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I get this. Really get this. NO offense taken here. And if anyone takes offense, they shouldn't read your blog, you know? I'm glad you have the internal freedom to share what you want here. It was a great day the day I made mine as anon as i could so that i could be 100% honest.
ReplyDeleteTake care, find that internal safety during those triggers, and keep fighting.
ang
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI want to apologize if it was me that offended you. Im sorry. Im just concerned about you and that just translated to saying too much.
I don't mind, Carrie. I just needed to get this off my chest, so to speak. It's nothing that I haven't heard most of my life, so believe me, I'm used to it. :) I've tried going the "God route" and ended up disappointed and angry. Hence, the dislike for organized religion as part of my personal brand of faith. I had a very bad church experience in my teens. Everyone loved everyone else, as long as they were all alike and didn't have any real problems to deal with. I didn't fit that mold. It was hurtful and disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI believe in God but I still struggled.... fighting the demons in my head...the memories, flashbacks...spacing out, cutting, throwing up...I think we all need to find whatever works and take whatever time we need. For me, forgiveness was a huge long process...the hardest was forgiving myself..
ReplyDeleteI agree, with Sarah. I also believe in God...my Higher Power that i choose to embrace now because I CHOOSE to, not because of anyone else. Oh the demons i have fought too! cutting, binging, purging, starving, dissociating to hide, rage, ...the list goes on as well.
ReplyDeletePhonemail,
be true to YOU in your journey and I know that you will continue to find yourself farther and farther down your road in recovery. Dang it, i was about to quote Alice in Wonderland and I forgot which line! ha.
anyway, keep fighting. Supporting ya cyber-style!
btw...i LOVE sia. Good song choice.
ang
Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI truly love how honest and vulnerable everyone is on this blog... it really opens up genuine heartfelt dialogue. I must admit Im not into organized religion either--it sounds so formal and stuffy. My life hasnt been easy, though not as broken as many of you. Ive had a lot of forgiving to do too. The greatest challenge of my life was when everything came crumbling down when I was diagnosed with a crippling autoimmune disease. I had to decide right then and there if God was really who He said He was...because I was very very sick and nothing I did or didnt do was going to change that. It wasnt about religion or church; it was about my life in Gods hands. It wasnt a coping mechanism, or a sign of weakness. I just needed to know deep in my soul that God was still in control, even though my life was a mess. Im not trying to preach or persuade anyone else, Im just sharing my heart and what happened to me.
Ive really been drawn to your story because you are the FIRST real person that Ive met on the blog-o-sphere that is really honest, and truthful about her life! Thats amazing, because people CRAVE reality. So, when I share that Im praying for you, its not to make you feel guilty about God...rather, its a genuine outpouring of my hope for you.
Keep being strong!