.....of my "men" issues.....
my father.
Freud would be so proud.
Today I had an "A-ha!" moment. I don't trust my father....and therefore...don't trust men.
This really didn't smack me in the face until I relocated to Isolationsville where he's been a proud and outstanding citizen for the past 15-some years. In the past 6-odd months I have seen just how unreliable he is....and I slowly....and reluctantly....it all tied together and is starting to make sense.
I spent my whole childhood waiting on him.
When my parent's split, my father got every-other weekend visitation rights. He was to come and get me at 6pm on Friday of his weekend and return me Sunday at 6pm.
I remember one time...I was maybe 2 or 3....sitting in my little rocking chair in front of the living room window with my little red "going to Gramma's house" suitcase all packed, waiting for him to show up...I waited and waited...and waited.........and cried. I refused to eat supper. I was afraid to leave the window....I was afraid that if I left he wouldn't come. He didn't. He didn't even call.
I remember one weekend he actually showed up. I was little. He left me with his crazy second wife...and went to work. He was suppose to get off at midnight. I waited for him to come home and kiss me good-night. I wanted my daddy so bad. Crazy second wife was having a party...everything was so loud...this memory feels like chaos....I just wanted my daddy....I cried myself to sleep...
He wasn't there to stop my abusers....he didn't even notice that he was returning me to my mother with cigarette burns on my feet....or belt bruises on my back....he wasn't there to stop that man from molesting me and Tracy...
As I got older I invited him to music performances, musicals I was in, extra-curricular activities....I remember so many times wondering if he'd show up....if he'd remember me....prove to me that I was important to him....sometimes I was...other times he "forgot".....something he said often in my childhood.
This trend has been unyielding.
Since I have moved to the town where he happily resides, nothing has changed. I am now in my 20's and still cannot count on him...don't feel like I am important to him....wonder if I mean anything to him....and just want to be able to count on him to do what he says he will....but I can't...I wait, and wait.....and wait....and he still never shows up.
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Carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteAnonymous--
Im really sorry that your dads negligence paved the way for abuse. Thats rotten! I cant imagine the feelings of hurt and anger you must have toward him.
My dad left my mom when I was in high school. Im 39 yrs old now and Im still living with his forgetfulness, selfishness and negligence. I must admit he is a better grandfather than father, but Im constantly brushing off his hurts. I got to the point in my life where I was constantly crying because of what he did (or didnt do). Im not giving advice, just telling what I did--I forgave him. It was very difficult to do especially when he didnt deserve it. He didnt have a clue that I was angry or upset, so the only person hurt by it was ME. It was harder to carry around hate than it was to forgive him. Now when he does something wrong, I can honestly say that it doesnt hurt me in my soul. I may get mad, but I dont carry around this constant hatred. One of my sisters is still angry with him. She is a very bitter person and constantly complains about her relationship with him.
I understand your pain. I'm sorry this happened to you. This is why I love the name of a blog I follow called "Reasons not to fuck children." When adults fuck with a child's emotions, spirituality, body, and sexuality, nothing good comes from this. NOTHING. I am sorry for your pain and hope you keep surviving to thrive.
ReplyDeleteang