"Life swings like a pendulum: backward and forward between pain and boredom" -Arthur Schopenhauer

Today was boredom (I suppose that's better than pain).

The class I actually enjoy was cancelled, but not until I spent all day finishing the paper that was supposed to be due tonight. So me and the kiddo went out to father and step-mom's house. They are back to pretending everything is okay....wonder how long it will last this time?

Step-mom was already a few drinks into the night when we showed up and dad had taken G-pa out to his farm to feed. When they got back, it was as if all the drama between step-mom and father had never happened....they smiled and laughed....but their body language was saying something else. I guess step-mom confronted him about cheating and he swears it's not happening....whatever!

I started to feel uncomfortable so we left.

I hate how empathic I am sometimes, but I suppose it has served me well in the past, developed out of necessity for survival. I guess I only wish I had learned to turn it off and on at will.

I had a dream last night....I went to bed late because I just had to watch New Moon, which I had just purchased. I think I bawled through the whole thing. I'm such a sap. I definitely know what Bella was feeling when Edward left. (Sorry if you're not a twi-hard fan and have no clue what I'm talking about.) The emptiness, lonliness.....anyway....back to the dream.

So I went to bed after the movie and had this weird/interesting/morbid dream. I killed myself. But the images weren't scary, they were peaceful and colorful. The kind of death images you'd expect in a romantic sci-fi-ish movie--all swirly and soft, with whimsical music in the back ground...I woke up kind of startled, but not scared....not with that heart pounding, "oh my gosh I almost fell out of bed" feeling. No, it wasn't fear I felt....it was peace.

Considering my past, this is kind of strange. I spent almost two years of my life in a complete and utter downward spiral of suicidality. I drank anything I could get my hands on, smoked what every was around, abused my Rx's, and took all kinds of stupid risks (walking around at night alone in a college town, drinking and driving, climbing cliff faces while completely out of my mind)....not to mention the cutting, constant thoughts about just ending it and whatnot. I almost succeeded in self-destruction just weeks before I found out I was preggo with the kiddo, in fact..I felt anything except peace then....but this dream...was kind of beautiful...in a odd/creepy sort of way.

*sigh*

Also spent some time doing my genogram today. I had a couple different one's (one for mom's side and one for dad's) done. Today I spend a couple hours combining them and adding all the lovely emotional relationships...my family is so effed up. I am so afraid that I will screw my kid up....there isn't a person on my genogram that isn't messed up in one way or another. Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn't be better off with her dad....but then again...his family isn't any better. I feel sorry for her.

Her dad is ten years my senior and still has his mom clean his house and help him pay bills...and she's old enough to retire, but instead works two PT jobs to help him. Don't get me wrong, he has a job. He's even a supervisor....he just can't manage money. He'd rather spend his money on video games, poker games, and going out drinking with his teenage and 20 year old friends (he's 30-something!) than get ahead on his bills. His sister has three kids, two of which are graduated from high school and don't have driver's licenses, yet alone jobs. And the oldest girl just moved in with her boyfriend......my kid is so screwed....I try....I really try....but the deck is definitely stacked.