I showed up for class early as usual. I like the peace and quiet of sitting in a classroom alone. Call me crazy....you wouldn't be the first. Unfortunately, my teacher was already there. I try as much as possible not to EVER be alone with any of my professors, if at all possible. My classmates are easy to fool...I can pretend to be...okay, around them and they never suspect a thing.
So I walked in as she was running out to the copy room or something, so I decided to drop off my things and retreat to the smoking area until someone else showed up. I wasn't fast enough....
No sooner had I set my things down and she was back. She asked me if I was good with computers...after stammering and avoiding eye contact I told her it depended on what trouble she was having. OOPS! I got sucked in...her problem was something that was fairly basic computer knowledge looking back now...was I set up??
No sooner had she told me her problem and I answered, she put her hand on my shoulder and gave me the "therapist" look and asked, "So how are you doing lately?" LATELY?!?!? Am I really that easy to read?? I felt like a little kid getting asked, "Where does it hurt?" Like she could see my battle wounds. And yet somehow, I'm jealous of her sixth sense.
I'm losing it again. Ironic that this time I am surrounded by people who are going to be therapists...and most of the teachers are therapists themselves....but I can't ask for help. I won't. The last time I asked for help I almost lost everything. I have too much to lose now. I have to keep it together.....and cutting seems to be the only thing that makes the anxiety take pause and the loneliness relent.
I can't help but think that if I could find someone....that someone....if I could allow someone to love me.....everything would be ok. But who could love this?
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carrie @ comfortedbyGod.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous--I stumbled across your blog and love your writing. Its so vulnerable, honest, and REAL! Thats what people want to read, because they can relate to that.
Im truly heartbroken that you are struggling so much with cutting. While I dont cut, I do have a chronic disease that has totally transformed my life, hopes and dreams. The disease crippled me for a long time--I was bed bound, home bound, in and out of wheelchairs. Im young, 39, so this has been extremely difficult. Right now Im in remission, so Im walking and living a lot more.
I recently started writing and speaking to women who are going through horrible times. I KNOW what its like to be filled with excruciating pain, to feel hopeless and miserable, and to just want to give up fearing that my life will forever be like this.
I will be praying for you today.
Sending you hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you both...today was much better...I think the sunshine helped...
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