Triggers

Things are not going well for me at all these past couple of days. Went out and got completely drunk on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, it was fun. Alcohol makes me feel free. The walls I have up to keep from getting hurt while sober come down---I'm out-going, fun, carefree, even happy. I'm everything I'm not when I'm sober.....if those aren't the words of an addict I don't know what are....

I don't have physical hang-overs...mine are more mental than anything. The consequences is the cycle that ensues the days afterwards while my body is trying to find equalibrium after a massive dose of downers. Everything is foggy except my thoughts....and inside my head is the worst possible place for me to be trapped. (Seriously! If I end up in a coma, someone please come trip over the life support cords because being trapped inside my head is my worst nightmare.) I am my own worst enemy. On top of that, I'm irritable, post-binge. Mostly I just end up feeling generally feel self-destructive....I generally want more to drink to get back to the place of freedom I feel while I'm drinking; Where I'm in the moment. I also have the urge to cut, something I used to do daily pre-kiddo.

Today has been no exception. I haven't really felt like drinking, but I am fighting off the urge for 'release' (because cutting has become such a taboo phrase, this is what I have come to call it). Right now I'm taking it 15 minutes at a time....but it's becoming more overwhelming by the minute. And then...I turn on the TV and A&E is doing an Intervention marathon on self-injury....so not helpful, but it's like a train wreck---I can't turn it off!