New Job- Day three

So I think I may survive my dive back into the working world. I still don't have a sitter in civilization, but my cousin agreed to watch the kiddo for a reasonable price. I have to wait for my first paycheck to see if I can get some assistance with childcare, but I will be waiting a while as we get paid monthly...and I missed the beginning of this pay period by quite a bit...

Still haven't worked on my paper that's due next week. It's four pages on feminist theory in family therapy...I will let you know if I discover any enlightening information. I dreading doing it though...so mostly I will probably just bitch. (Hey, at least I'm honest.)

I have noticed that the socialization that comes with working has started to bring back some of the better parts of "the old me." I don't have(....well...okay I still have but not as bad) socially-induced panic attacks. I actually had to cold-call about 30 people today and managed not to fumble for words or stutter through about 50% of the calls. Kinda proud of that.

And the doe-eyed awkwardness has mostly disappeared. I have been deemed "the organizer" by my colleagues....kind of ironic considering how chaotic my life is...if they only knew....strike that!...I would evaporate if they found out. I have been wearing long sleeves the past two days in 80 degree heat just so I don't have to make up stories about my scars....They must not find out...

This month is going to be rough, financially. I'm not sure we have food enough to get by...and I don't have enough $ to change that. *sigh*....guess I should stop eating and save it for the kiddo. I get stamps...but have already ran through them this month...not that it's really enough to feed two on...yet alone a growing kiddo who is going through a growth spurt and constantly hungry.

I have been too exhausted to SI...though the thoughts are constantly there...prolly due to the transitional anxiety I'm experiencing. I have been sleeping better...though I am still exhausted throughout the day...and I have been having such crazy dreams. I need to save a few minutes each morning to blog them so I can get some input about them. I'm interested as to what they could mean....other than I am completely bonkers...

New Job-Day one

So started my new job today. Still haven't found a sitter. My cousin said she'd watch the kiddo as long as I need her to, but if we're ever going to move back to civilization I need to find a sitter...in civilization...

Unfortunately, they all want me to have to sell a kidney in order to afford their services....I don't understand how other single mom's do it. If I work I don't qualify for DFS daycare assistance because my income plus my child support is too high...even if I take a minimum wage job...so most of my paycheck goes to paying for a daycare so that I can work...which just seems counterproductive to me. If I don't work....well...I can't get ahead...and I have to take out extra student loans just to pay rent and bills...which I can't afford to pay back unless I work....anyone else see a problem with this cycle??

So...the job seems like it's going to be fun. I get to work with kids, so that's great...and maybe it will cure the baby itch I have had of late. I have to get a TB test and a physical within 30 days though...which I am not sure I can afford at the moment....what with paying a sitter and gas money to drive into civilization to work and all. Maybe working wasn't the best move at the moment?? I dunno...I have to do something before I lose my mind altogether.

Oh...and you wouldn't believe the size of the binder containing organization policies and regulations that I had to bring home to read tonight. I think it's a good 3 inches thick...and I don't have a clue what half of these acronyms mean....*sigh*

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it” - Rainer M. Rilke

Had the best night's sleep that I have had in ages. Granted it was more of a substance induced coma, but never-the-less greatly needed and much deserved.

Didn't do much today. Ran some errands with step-mom. Laundry. Went out and did a puzzle with the old people. Another daring day...

I hate it when my kiddo is gone. No joyous sounds of laughter fill the house. No clutter of toys to trip on during midnight trips to the bathroom.

Going to a baby shower for a relative tomorrow. My sister is also expecting. I went nuts buying gifts for them both. Buying tiny socks, blankets, shoes, etc...made me take inventory about my own life. I'm not where I expected to be.

Sure, I'm in grad school. Sure, I'm a mother. But not once, growing up, did I ever expect to be a single mother. Nor did I expect to still be in school in my late 20's. I didn't expect to be renting an apartment in the middle of nowhere....and most of all...I didn't expect to be alone.

Once upon a time, I was beautiful. I'll admit it now, looking back. I was! I was firm and taut, had a beautiful head of golden locks that would make any Cali gal jealous. I could turn heads. I was never single long. Somehow all of that changed. Well...not somehow...I know how it changed....

I felt in love. HARD. He was amazing. He saw me, knew me...all of me. Even the crazy parts...and still loved me... He was my best friend...and for a while that's all we were. Each of us in deep relationships at the time. I could count on him though. It didn't matter if I was having a melt down at one in the morning, or just wanted to go for a walk. He was always there....until he wasn't.

He was my perfect match. There was electricity in his touch. Making love with him was something I have yet to find again in another. My walls descended down and our souls touched while we tumbled 'tween the sheets. It was pure emotion...passion...yearning...pleasure.

No, the he that I speak of was not the father of my child....or maybe he is....or isn't....it depends on how you define father I suppose.

I went away with him one fateful Valentine's weekend....it was wonderful.

Weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. He came for a visit....I guess he'd met someone new...we weren't exclusive....but something had changed in him.... He didn't want to get serious. He didn't want to hurt me, but he didn't want where we were headed. He had his career ahead of him...the military...he didn't want to drag a family around the globe with him....I never told him I was expecting that night...I didn't want to hurt him....I wanted him to be happy....overwhelmed...I tried to kill myself....

I would have died that night...were it not for a co-worker coming over to see why I wasn't at work and hadn't called in....to think back, I was suprised anyone (especially him) noticed, really.....

He saved me from myself...it seemed like fate.....he didn't care about my delicate condition...he would raise it as his own...we never even discussed it...that was just how it was going to be...the kiddo was fine....it had to be a sign.....so we tried........about six months after the kiddo was born I caught him in our bed with another....I was broken.....am still broken....

After all this......is it any wonder I'm still single....???

I've let myself go and have since gone brunette in an attempt to keep men at arms length....A beautiful woman once said, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Apparently...no one wants me at my worst....not that I blame them...

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." ~Mother Teresa

So, I'm sitting here all by my lonesome....kiddo went to her dad's for the weekend. The dog is off chewing something or another. And here I sit. These weekends are the worst. I have this overwhelming need to do something....anything: be it pill, pot, or liquor......to distract me from the fact that I am alone.....completely and utterly alone.

Wish I had more to say than that....but I don't.
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11 pm:

Thought I would pop on here before I konk out...oooo..two anamanapia's in one sentence...this is going to be good...not!

Gave in....took a couple shots and some muscle relaxer and an ativan to try and make the lonliness relent...but what I was really after what some sort of high....it wasn't quick enough...

About 20 minutes after....I couldn't take it anymore...I cut.

I feel much better now...visited buschat for the first time in a long time. It's a great SI chat....meff died though...stupid pig flu....

Now kind of depressed...and sleepy...and I want more high....don't want to sleep all day tm....want to be normal...whatever that is....

"You're mad, bonkers, off your head! But I'll tell you a secret: All the best people are." - Charles Kingsleigh ~Alice in Wonderland~

The kiddo and I went to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D. Pretty amazing. The kiddo even managed to keep her glasses on for most of it. She thanked me afterward, which coming from a four year old, is so heart-melting.

Got new flavors for my e-cig today. They were specialty mixes and man are they good. One has lime, bubble gum, and mint....kind of tastes like the mojito bubble gum I'm so in love with. The other has spearmint, peppermint, and wintergreen....VERY minty, which I love! The kiddo is excited too, she hates it when I have to smoke regular cigs. She says they stink....pretty smart kid.

Wasn't triggery at all today. First good day in ages. No stress, no mess....so to speak.

Found a framed copy of one of my faovrite poems. A friend gave it to me in high school. Thought I would share it here. Hopefully the copyright police won't come down on me too hard. Honestly, I don't think the author would mind much....

~Alone~
by Edgar A. Poe

From childhoods hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I have loved, I loved alone.
Then-- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life-- was drawn
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliffs of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightening in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

"Life swings like a pendulum: backward and forward between pain and boredom" -Arthur Schopenhauer

Today was boredom (I suppose that's better than pain).

The class I actually enjoy was cancelled, but not until I spent all day finishing the paper that was supposed to be due tonight. So me and the kiddo went out to father and step-mom's house. They are back to pretending everything is okay....wonder how long it will last this time?

Step-mom was already a few drinks into the night when we showed up and dad had taken G-pa out to his farm to feed. When they got back, it was as if all the drama between step-mom and father had never happened....they smiled and laughed....but their body language was saying something else. I guess step-mom confronted him about cheating and he swears it's not happening....whatever!

I started to feel uncomfortable so we left.

I hate how empathic I am sometimes, but I suppose it has served me well in the past, developed out of necessity for survival. I guess I only wish I had learned to turn it off and on at will.

I had a dream last night....I went to bed late because I just had to watch New Moon, which I had just purchased. I think I bawled through the whole thing. I'm such a sap. I definitely know what Bella was feeling when Edward left. (Sorry if you're not a twi-hard fan and have no clue what I'm talking about.) The emptiness, lonliness.....anyway....back to the dream.

So I went to bed after the movie and had this weird/interesting/morbid dream. I killed myself. But the images weren't scary, they were peaceful and colorful. The kind of death images you'd expect in a romantic sci-fi-ish movie--all swirly and soft, with whimsical music in the back ground...I woke up kind of startled, but not scared....not with that heart pounding, "oh my gosh I almost fell out of bed" feeling. No, it wasn't fear I felt....it was peace.

Considering my past, this is kind of strange. I spent almost two years of my life in a complete and utter downward spiral of suicidality. I drank anything I could get my hands on, smoked what every was around, abused my Rx's, and took all kinds of stupid risks (walking around at night alone in a college town, drinking and driving, climbing cliff faces while completely out of my mind)....not to mention the cutting, constant thoughts about just ending it and whatnot. I almost succeeded in self-destruction just weeks before I found out I was preggo with the kiddo, in fact..I felt anything except peace then....but this dream...was kind of beautiful...in a odd/creepy sort of way.

*sigh*

Also spent some time doing my genogram today. I had a couple different one's (one for mom's side and one for dad's) done. Today I spend a couple hours combining them and adding all the lovely emotional relationships...my family is so effed up. I am so afraid that I will screw my kid up....there isn't a person on my genogram that isn't messed up in one way or another. Sometimes I wonder if she wouldn't be better off with her dad....but then again...his family isn't any better. I feel sorry for her.

Her dad is ten years my senior and still has his mom clean his house and help him pay bills...and she's old enough to retire, but instead works two PT jobs to help him. Don't get me wrong, he has a job. He's even a supervisor....he just can't manage money. He'd rather spend his money on video games, poker games, and going out drinking with his teenage and 20 year old friends (he's 30-something!) than get ahead on his bills. His sister has three kids, two of which are graduated from high school and don't have driver's licenses, yet alone jobs. And the oldest girl just moved in with her boyfriend......my kid is so screwed....I try....I really try....but the deck is definitely stacked.

"Darkness. Imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I can not live. I can not die. trapped in myself. Body my holding cell." -Metallica

Had class again tonight. For some reason this class is very triggering for me. (This would be the same class that I had to stare at my paper and pretend to be busy, so as not to catch the eye of the teacher and start to cry.)

Lecture was about the feminist perspective in family therapy. Tried to find a link online for you to get the gist, but to no avail. So basically the concept of it is that traditional family therapy is all pro-masculinity which doesn't work in the world today where gender roles aren't so well defined as they once were. The feminist perspective on couples and family therapy promotes an understanding between the sexes that they do in fact perceive, communicate, and understand things in the world differently....kind of what the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is based off of.....it's much more complicated than this, but without typing up all my notes from class on here, I don't think I can do it justice. It's pretty deep.

At the end of class we had to fill out this paper of 10 questions about how we were raised by our parents and how our family of origins shaped our perceptions of gender and what all that means to us now. I couldn't handle it. It was really hard for me to come up with a lot of answers to those questions because memories from my childhood are so fragmented. My parents were divorced by the time I was 2. My mom had custody of me and she married another man-- the father of my middle three siblings-- until I was about nine or ten.....but I don't have many memories of this time.....none of which involve my mother or father, but also, none of which were good.

I remember being 2 and my ex step dad shaking me and yelling at me until I peed on the floor....and then he made clean it up.....I remember being little and him not letting me go to sleep until I recited the Catholic bedtime prayer which I don't think he'd taught me before then....

I have memories about going to my dad's house for visitation and being beaten by my ex step mom with a belt....and her sister burning my foot with a cigg because me and my step brother wouldn't settle down...I remember hiding with another little girl named Tracy who was some relation or another from the ex step mom's brother in law and him catching us and touching us and making us touch him....

but....none of my memories include my parents. So answering these questions, like "How did your parents model gender roles?" or "What did your parents tell you about how boys/girls are supposed to act?" or "What messages did your parent's give you about how men and women act in relationships?"......these questions are damn near impossible to answer. By the time memories started to stick, so to speak, my mother was my only source of influence on these things....and she was busy dating and drinking by then.

Needless to say...I completely felt like shit by the end of class. Everyone in my group had these great answers about their traditional families and how "mom did this" and "dad did that"....but I was to ashamed to share much. I felt...once again....like a leper in a sea of normalcy. My views of men are a bit jaded....and I was taught to survive by being independent, quiet, and not to show weakness. My life and upbringing were anything but normal.....and I am so ashamed....I have been carrying shame all my life...

On top of all this...my step mom called and told me that my father is cheating on her again....to catch you up to speed, she caught him for the forth time over Christmas break....and all hell ripped through this side of the family....me stuck in the middle holding my tongue....

I have to get out of here. I really do.

It never fails....

So, once again, another day sucked away from my school work by my family. My step-mom moved her parents in with her and my father because they got kicked out of assisted living. They both are in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, and kept forgetting to come back to the facility (step g-ma still owns a home, so they would go "home" instead of to the home), so...they got the boot.

This was last August. I moved to Isolationsville in order to help step-mom and father take care of the old folk while they worked. It sounded like a pretty good deal in the beginning. I stay at one of the 'rents rental properties and drive out the the family farm in the true middle of no-where to cook for g-ma and g-pa, and help them up if/when they fall and can't get up. Hell, I couldn't find a real job after undergrad, and I certainly couldn't handle a FT job while in grad school, so I said sure.

Well, that arrangement lasted for about 6 months until I'd had enough. I started getting treated like the help. I was exhausted (getting up at 4am to get out there by 5am, getting home on non-school nights at 4pm to do homework, and going to class an hour away from 3pm until 10pm). I started getting sick all the time...I think I have been on antibiotics like 4 times in 6 months. G-ma lose all functioning, so not only did I have to wipe her butt and such tasks, but if she fell off the couch or out of bed, I had to lift about 160lbs. of dead weight on my lonesome....not at all what I signed up for! And then g-pa started turning mean. I couldn't sit down for two seconds and he'd be on my ass like I was his maid, telling me to do this, that, and they other, around the house (mind you, it's not his house, and I didn't sign up to be the maid for two 90 year olds and my parents who are absolutely filthy housekeeper). My kiddo also started acting out...I mean can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be four years old and know that mommy is in the house, but you can't have more than ten minutes of her time at once because the crazy (or as she says, "mean") 90 year olds won't leave her alone?

When I told my parent's that I was exhausted and depressed and felt used, I was the bad guy. It was always, "well, what do you want us to do, put them in another home??" and "What if this was your grandma (the one I was really close to growing up)?"....when I told them that there needed to be boundaries and structure (something recommended for dementia and Alzheimer care) they wouldn't listen.....dad escaped out to his farm when he got off work, and step-mom escaped into a bottle of vodka....for about two months I sucked it up, until I'd had enough and left them high and dry.

They found someone to else in about a week, but she didn't last long, so I got a call last night. Step-mom pleaded with me to come over this morning so that, yet another care giver could come by and get introduced. I finally gave in....I have such a hard time saying no. So, instead of writing my paper for class tomorrow...I'm sure you see where this is going...

I'm home now. My kiddo is taking a nap. I'm exhausted. But on a happy note....I have a real job now. Got the call about 20 minutes ago. I start Monday!! It's only PT, thank goodness. About 30 hours per week at a daycare. Should be fun though. Now all I have to do is find a sitter.....hmmmm....

Home again Home again, jiggity-jig

Went to see my mother today. She lives about an hour and a half away, but I haven't seen her since Christmas. It was good. My two youngest brothers (youngest of 5, of which I am the oldest) are still at home, and they were interesting. Once upon a time, my whole life was my siblings. Now, I rarely see them.

Anyway, they were quite impressed with my mad Guitar Hero skills. Oh the things siblings bond over. :)

Decided to come home tonight because the weather up that-a-way was supposed to be pretty crappy by the time we needed to leave tomorrow to go to my niece's birthday party (she's my niece on my dad's side o' the family). The trip home that usually takes just under two hours took almost four. The roads were completely snow and slush covered. (Go figure, first day of spring brought a couple of inches of snow....where is that global warming when you need it anyhow??)

Getting out in this weather, especially to drive home when there is a perfectly safe and warm bed at hand, would be anxiety inducing for most people.....for me--not so much. I like the challenge...the adventure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those people who drives a four-wheel drive vehicle through this crap like it's a sunny day, only to end up in a ditch a mile from their house.....I take my time. I just like driving in semi-blizzard/hazardous conditions...Maybe my true calling is being an ice road trucker or some such?

No SI today. Though my head felt like it was in a cloud all day. I'm sure mom though I was on something. Shit, about two hours into the visit I was beginning to wonder if I was on something. I couldn't think straight. I'd start say something and get lost halfway through the sentence. Could be because I was up late with my niece and kiddo....or the fact that dad and step-mom are at eachother's throats again.

Took the kids out to visit them last night and step-mom was a drunken sniffly mess in the bathroom. Totally freaked the kids out. Dad had been drinking too, but he's a happy drunk....she's the one you gotta watch. She's so angry at dad for cheating all those years...(a story that will have to wait for another day, another entry). I don't blame her, but it's like leave him or get over it! Quit being a drama queen. Getting drunk and nutzo solves no one's problems....but hey, who am I to talk?

Found some old poetry

Found an old (okay, like maybe three, four years old) notebook. I used it throughout high school and through the first part of my undergrad education. Started reading it...it amazes me that deep down...none of it has changed. I'd just gotten good at hiding from those feelings...keeping busy so I didn't have time to sit and think. Now....that's not so much an option....not since I moved to Isolationsville...



So here's a the one that resonated with me tonight....



****Caution: Contents hereafter may be triggering****



~SilentCry~

a drop of blood

a parting of skin

a solemn vow

--never do it again



this is my life

this is my sorrow

this is my yesterday, today

and tomorrow



free me someone

free me anyone

save me from this pit of shame



see me someone

see me anyone

see me at my morbid games



I have fallen

I am lost

I am hanging by a thread

my pain I hope to assuage

I express my soul

the razor rules my life

it has me in its control



my body bears its mark

my heart bears its name

refuge is a dream

it always ends the same

Two in one day.....

I showed up for class early as usual. I like the peace and quiet of sitting in a classroom alone. Call me crazy....you wouldn't be the first. Unfortunately, my teacher was already there. I try as much as possible not to EVER be alone with any of my professors, if at all possible. My classmates are easy to fool...I can pretend to be...okay, around them and they never suspect a thing.

So I walked in as she was running out to the copy room or something, so I decided to drop off my things and retreat to the smoking area until someone else showed up. I wasn't fast enough....

No sooner had I set my things down and she was back. She asked me if I was good with computers...after stammering and avoiding eye contact I told her it depended on what trouble she was having. OOPS! I got sucked in...her problem was something that was fairly basic computer knowledge looking back now...was I set up??

No sooner had she told me her problem and I answered, she put her hand on my shoulder and gave me the "therapist" look and asked, "So how are you doing lately?" LATELY?!?!? Am I really that easy to read?? I felt like a little kid getting asked, "Where does it hurt?" Like she could see my battle wounds. And yet somehow, I'm jealous of her sixth sense.

I'm losing it again. Ironic that this time I am surrounded by people who are going to be therapists...and most of the teachers are therapists themselves....but I can't ask for help. I won't. The last time I asked for help I almost lost everything. I have too much to lose now. I have to keep it together.....and cutting seems to be the only thing that makes the anxiety take pause and the loneliness relent.

I can't help but think that if I could find someone....that someone....if I could allow someone to love me.....everything would be ok. But who could love this?

St. Patty's day...yay...

So, a little over four years ago, I found out that I was going to be a parent. It's amazing how those little bundles fo joy can become so independent in such a short time.

Spent some time yesterday looking for a therapist. Had no luck. I have no insurance, and I really don't feel comfortable going to some low income clinic. It's not that I am a snob, I just don't want to have to worry about who I am going to run into in the waiting room. I'd much rather find someone with a private practice. Unfortunately, I can't afford that luxury.

I relapsed. Not badly. But I felt much better---feel much better. Yes, there is the same shame as always, but not as bad. It is highly unlikely I will have to explain myself or come up with some brilliant "cat-scratch" story. I was careful. My anxiety is down to nil. I actually raised my hand in class and spoke without stuttering....in a class that I usually try to become invisible in. It felt good.

Triggers

Things are not going well for me at all these past couple of days. Went out and got completely drunk on Saturday. Don't get me wrong, it was fun. Alcohol makes me feel free. The walls I have up to keep from getting hurt while sober come down---I'm out-going, fun, carefree, even happy. I'm everything I'm not when I'm sober.....if those aren't the words of an addict I don't know what are....

I don't have physical hang-overs...mine are more mental than anything. The consequences is the cycle that ensues the days afterwards while my body is trying to find equalibrium after a massive dose of downers. Everything is foggy except my thoughts....and inside my head is the worst possible place for me to be trapped. (Seriously! If I end up in a coma, someone please come trip over the life support cords because being trapped inside my head is my worst nightmare.) I am my own worst enemy. On top of that, I'm irritable, post-binge. Mostly I just end up feeling generally feel self-destructive....I generally want more to drink to get back to the place of freedom I feel while I'm drinking; Where I'm in the moment. I also have the urge to cut, something I used to do daily pre-kiddo.

Today has been no exception. I haven't really felt like drinking, but I am fighting off the urge for 'release' (because cutting has become such a taboo phrase, this is what I have come to call it). Right now I'm taking it 15 minutes at a time....but it's becoming more overwhelming by the minute. And then...I turn on the TV and A&E is doing an Intervention marathon on self-injury....so not helpful, but it's like a train wreck---I can't turn it off!

So, yeah, keep forgetting about this thing. I think if I actually had a life to blog about, it might help, but whatever, right?

I wussed out of going out last night, so I'm saying fuck it and going out tonight....somewhere where they know my name and such. Taking a friend and meeting an amazing guy who I just might marry someday. Kind of exciting....well, exciting for my life anyhow.

Got all my flavors of e-juice. Atomic cinnicide is by far my favorite. Tastes like smoking atomic fireballs....SO YUMMY! Also got some mocha peppermint, carmel apples, cake icing, choco. fusge brownie, and cherry cough drop (for my annual summer cold). They are all pretty freak awesome!

Also got to wander around in the farm, knee deep in mud and muck. Good exercise for sure. Not so much a good idea if you have terrible balance. Boot got stuck in the mud up to my calf and while I was trying to get it un-stuck....down I went. Head to toe---covered. It was like some sort of redneck mud bath....so I guess I can scratch that off my bucket list.

Another day

I have not been sleeping well lately and it's driving me nuts! I fall asleep and wake up more exhausted and feeling like a ran a marathon sometime in the middle of the night. I have no clue what is going on, but it needs to change, like, yesterday.

Still waiting on my tax refund. I will be so happy when it's here...I might actually be able to move back to civilization!! YIPEE!!!

Also, still waiting to hear back on that job. They had to do a background check, which I know is fine....hell, I've never even had a speeding ticket (knock on wood!)...really need to work before I lose my mind!!

Still waiting on the rest of my e-juice orders to arrive as well.

I feel like I'm in limbo lately!!! Waiting for this, waiting for that....and for this control freak...I am trying not to loose it!

I loose the kiddo this weekend. It's her dad's, so I'm seriously considering going out...something I haven't done in a while. It is very much needed. I need to get out there and meet people; socialize with someone other than 90 year olds and four year olds.

What day is it...??

Okay, so I have completely forgotten to update in a couple of days...but honestly the most exciting thing to happen was beating Guitar Hero III yesterday instead of studying for today's midterm....in retrospect it was time well spent because no amount of studying would have prepared me for that craziness. But on a good note, we did get to leave when we were finished....oh, and I got to talk to, and get to know some classmates better. Actually found out that I'm not the only one sitting in class feeling like a leaper because of my past. Last semester was almost unbearable because of that. All I could do was sit in class, trying to hide my discomfort, all the while thinking..."Jesus, that's sooo my family" and "God, what would they all think if they knew my history?" oh, and "I'm a textbook case." It would seem there is a kindred spirit amongst to sea of 40-something, well established, "I only work because I want to," soccer mom's in my program. She too is a recovering addict and cutter. We swapped stories, compared battle wounds and laughable diagnosis'. Her Family of origin is quite the opposite of mine. She comes from money and her last name has weight in the community. And still...we have these things in common. Makes me feel a bit easier in my own skin, so to speak. I guess it doesn't really matter if you have it all....you can still feel like nothing inside.

Day Three

Managed to get my happy butt up this morning...I even managed to get to bed at about midnight. Score one for me! I did have some super crazy dreams though. In my dream I was pregnant with twin girls. I decided to name them Piper Marie and Pheonix Renae. WEIRD!! The dream was a lot weirder than just that, but when I woke up this was all I could remember. I hate that.

Off to get my car fixed today. God, I hope I am not about to spend 6 hours at the shop. I hate sitting there with nothing to do. I have to get my transmission lines replaced though, before I destroy it.

I'm also picking up my sister's kiddo from school to spend the night. I guess that school is out tomorrow for some sort of teacher's meeting. I will update later if anything else interesting happens.

Day two

So I has classes last night. Surprisingly, it was much better than usual....not that it is normally bad, per se, just a bit dry at times. We talked about Object Relations Theory. This type of therapy is very cerebral, but the basic concept is that as children we create a love model for all of our future relationships based on our parents and how they full fill that need in childhood. Our ideas or unconcious unresolved issues with our first or original "love objects" (parents) is projected onto our current "love objects" (significant other or spouse).

...Man....this theory really hit a nerve with me. When the professor was discussing some of her experience with her own clients, I heard a lot of myself in those stories. I kept having to look down at my notes and dot all my "i's" so as not to make eye contact with her and start crying. Could it really be that simple? All I could think was, "Damn...so that's why I push guys away/sabotage romantic relationships/am still single." Really wishing I had insurance so I could afford to find a Object Relations Therapist right about now. I'm tired of being alone......

On another note, I was up until 3am again. Ever since being put on med's for my sinus infection/bronchitis....my sleep schedule has been sooooo off. I spent my insomniac hours online, of course. Completely addicted to this site. I ended up getting up at 8am to feed the kiddo and passed out on the couch until about 1030am....now my whole day is shot. SOO need to get my taxes done...and go buy groceries....and get my car fixed....I guess tomorrow's another day. *sigh*

Still waiting on my orders of e-juice. I am completely in love with my Blu e-cig. I was a pack-a-day smoker of regular cigs until it arrived a little over a week ago. I have only bought four packs in the past 10 days. I don't even really like the taste of them anymore. I just smoke one in the morning and a couple before bed. The nicotine gratification is much faster with analogue cigs, but the e-cig just tastes soooooo much better.

Day One

Second time trying out this blogging fad. I hear it's supposed to be therapeutic. I hope so...lord knows we could all use some therapy now-and-again. Tried to get into it once before, but was bored with it in a week or so...and now I cannot remember said passwords, so here goes again.

So I suppose I should tell you about myself. There really isn't much to tell however. My life....is boring. Having quite a few of those days when you wake up and wonder, "So....this is it? This is what I fought all my childhood for?" Seems like quite the cosmic joke: as adolescents we all want to be treated as adults....as adults we wish for the simpler adolescent days...oh the irony. Though my life now leaves much to be desired, it wasn't always so....I suppose that's another day and another blog though.

As you have probably ascertained from my occupation, I am a professional student. I have been at this for about....oh....since the age of 5, with the occasional (and more recent) pause for life events and young adult rebellion....also known as frat party induced burn-out.

I am currently a graduate student with the hopes of becoming a therapist one day. If this blogging thing keeps my interest, you will probably begin to see the irony in my choice of a future career.

I am a somewhat secretive person. There are events in my life and activities I have partaken in that most who know me IRL would be shocked to find out....hence the necessity to keep this anonymous if it is to be therapeutic.

I am currently trapped in the middle of nowhere. I moved from civilization after undergrad for financial reasons and am now kicking myself for it daily. I was, and still am, unable to find a job with a meager Bachelor's degree.

The Master's is the new Bachelor's....or so I have been told, so here I am: in grad school, one dependent, one four-legged friend, jobless= just another anonymous life in America.